If you are a parent whose son or daughter is one of those graduating this month or the next, a mere congratulation is not enough. A double congratulations are in order. One for student who made it adopting to the new system in the pandemic and another for the parent whose financial support made it possible but has also did well doing long distance parenting.
All parents are reeling that babies do not come with a manual. Not only that. Every child is different. Parenting that worked with Kuya does not necessarily work with Ate or Bunso. Add the woes of being miles away as an OFW.
As an OFW parent myself, letting my children be on their own while we parents, were both away, I have already accepted at the onset that it would be a make it or break it for us. I was aware of the big risk we are all taking. You bet, there were many sleepless nights and the lure to go back home. There were times when one of them is sick and confined or when one had a problem in school and none of us were there for them or when they had gone out with friends and cannot be contacted. On those days, I had questioned myself countless times, if it is really worth it.
Fast forward, more than 10 years after, one of them is already an MD and is now positively helping the community and the other is on her last year in college and, in her own way, is making her own contribution.
What gives?
Before they went back to the Philippine to continue their studies, I have already assured them that no matter what, I love them unconditionally. By this, I meant, if they get pregnant, I would accept and would still love them as they are. If for one reason or another, they were not able to finish their studies, I would still love them. Back then, this was my way of appeasing my guilt for not being with them. I am not sure this helped propel them to finish their studies but somehow I have eased some of the pressures to live up to certain expectations other than those they set for themselves.
We have known from the start that we would come to this point. Every grade school and high school student in the Middle East goes back to the Philippines to pursue at least their college education. We have been witnesses to parents and children saying tearful goodbyes at the airports after every high school graduation. We have also heard news about some who had troubles adjusting in the Philippines as well as those who continued to carry the torch, with or without parents beside them. I think mind conditioning has helped.
School work has always been a big deal for us. What to do in KSA? There are no movie houses back then. The only entertainment outside our abode are the parks, the shopping malls and restaurants. There is a lot of time to study. We made use of those times. We parents took turns tutoring our girls. We hid the router during exam week. Doing assignments is part of the everyday routine. The habit of studying and always giving their best were ingrained in them before they were let go to a different environment. Place might have changed, but the habits remained.
Children who live abroad (lucky for them), have seen finer things in life. They enjoy some of the things that their cousins and friends in the Philippines may not have experienced. They have seen places and were inspired to see more of those. Life was easier for them abroad. And they want to continue that way, or even do better, even after coming back to their home country. To be able to do that, they knew what it takes. They saw it in their friends’ parents. The school preached about it all the time-the value of education. It was instilled in them, not only by us but by their surroundings as well.
As the days that one of them taking off draws near with each passing year, I once ask a parent, “what if they go astray once they are no longer within our watchful eyes and influence?” This mother bravely said to me, “You have to trust your children”. They will live up to the values that you thought them. I said no more.
On those days when teaching moment arises, that is when a child of friend or a someone they know had somehow fell off the path, I would quote to them, Spiderman’s “With great power comes great responsibility”. They could do all the things they want to do while we were there and they were here, but they should be ready to face the consequences. I might not know what time they come home, where they go, how they spend their allowances and whatever mischief they do, but they should be responsible enough for themselves. Somehow, that quote sums up all the things that I wanted to say to them all the time.
In all those years, we all tried to keep the communication line working. Thanks to technology, they made long distance parenting easier. I wouldn’t say that we were regularly calling each other. I am not a hovering parent, nor do I like the idea of micromanaging them. There were times when I deliberately ignore their messages to prove a point or to show my disapproval over something they did. But if there was no point to be proved and we were good, I made sure that when they sent the word “ma”, regardless of the time and my load of work, they got my full attention.
Just like any other family, we have our own shares of issues and problems. How much we share with our faraway kids was something me and my husband tread carefully. We were concerned that letting them know of each and every problem we have would keep their attention away from their studies or it may not be the proper time to share. Young as they are, they have their own concerns in their schools and in their life. And yet, shielding them from the realities of life would deprive them of honing their abilities to be resilient. And yet again, we don’t want them to be passive members of the family regardless of their distance. This we played by ear.
I think it is important that there is appreciation for the effort that they exert in their studies and in their trying to make the most of out life by themselves. We have the reward system that is not really a system. I, myself is a believer that what gets rewarded gets repeated. So, for their achievement or good deeds, they get to request a coveted prize they want to own, which does not necessarily mean it is given right away. If it is something pricey, we have to save for it first. Sometimes, just an additional allowance so they could celebrate brings smiles to their faces. What matters was the appreciation and recognition of their efforts.
Whenever they come for a visit or when we come home, we add to the wonderful memories we had. Whether we go to a place we’ve never been before or just huddled in bed, we tried to catch up and made up for the time that we were not together. Very OFW.
More importantly, I pray for us everyday. Things we know that are not within our control, we lift that up to Him. We pray for guidance and trust that He will keep them safe. It worked and continued to do so.
Our situation may not be true to all OFWs. Most of the ones I know is that one of the parents goes abroad and children are left in the Philippines, especially for our seafarers. Every family is different. We are not the best parents ourselves. But somehow, I hope that you would get some insights from my experience and pick up those you think would help your children navigate the difficulty of living away from their parents.
Do you have an effective long distance parenting style that might help another Kabayan? Add them in the comments below. Let us help one another.
May you have a successful long distance parenting as well.
Hi, I'm Cecille. I have been an OFW in KSA for 13 long years. I have been there, done that. I'd say I was lucky because for most of those years, my family was with me. I'd like to share in this blog what makes those years worthwhile, the lessons I learned and bits and pieces of info that may pique your interest as bagong bayani.